What vs. Why Questions
Years ago, I attended a conference at which a speaker discussed the benefit of using ‘what’ questions instead of ‘why’ questions in your internal monologue in order to avoid internally spiraling. It stuck with me because it seemed like a clear answer to a nagging problem; but, I couldn’t convince myself to operate in this way because it didn’t resonate enough to drive a change in my behaviour.
Since then, I’ve continued to ponder this, without much change in my perspective, until I took my first coaching course. It came up again, but this time with a focus on using ‘what’ questions when working with clients. Coaches out there already know this, but I don’t think it gets enough attention from everyone else.
‘Why’ questions feel accusatory, ‘what’ questions don’t.
The trouble is, I couldn’t figure out WHY (the irony here, is real). Now, I’ve figured it out and I want to share, in case I can help it resonate with anyone else.
Why: Asks the person to explain the intention, a clear reason for, and the goal behind the decision. The big WHY. The underlying assumption is that everything this person has done has always been strategically thought out and intentionally done. No mistakes are made, and no reactions or humanity are allowed. If the results are found wanting, that lands squarely on their shoulders.
What: Asks the person to explain the factors and circumstances that drove them to their decision without implying fault. It does not expect there to be one clear reason or goal behind it. Sometimes the factors, even when the person was doing their best, lead them to a mistake. ‘What’ allows them the space to explore the factors, knowing mistakes can happen and there are reasons outside of ‘fault’ when things don’t go the way they want them to. It also provides clear considerations from which to learn and grow without judgement.
Actively using ‘what’ questions is kind. I highly recommend their use both in your relationships with others (at work and at home), but also in your internal monologue.